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Okay gang, let's take
this re-building trust thing to the next level - let's
just forget about all the wrongs that have been done to
us. Now, on the count of three: . . . one . . . two .
. . three . . . FUGEDABOUDIT! Yeah, I know that
really doesn't work. Guess what will?
You have already
started. In part one we talked about betrayal and in
part two we moved on to the truth. Knowing and accepting
the truth makes trusting an option. You are still working
on the techniques for rebuilding trust and that, my
friend, opens the door wide open to forgiveness.
If you feel the
need to forgive, then you have a sense that somebody
owes you. Lisa owes Emily for recommending a dud movie,
your sister owes you for stealing your money, or your
spouse owes you for betraying you. When you feel like
you need to be repaid then you will know that you need
to forgive. In Luke 11:4 it says: "Forgive us our
debts (sins), as we forgive our debtors (those who have
sinned against us)."
To really forgive means
you voluntarily cancel a debt. It's not like mom making you
say you are sorry. It is, however, like you really want to
make a debt or hurt to go away.
What
Forgiveness is Not
Forgiveness does not
mean forgetting. I know that appears to contradict the Bible,
but it does not. God, who knows all - forever, did not forget
about Adam's fall, Moses' murder, David's adultery and Saul's
(Paul) persecution of believers. He chose not to hold those
sins against them. He forgave their sins.
You may never forget
some wrongs. You can however, make a conscious decision not
to hold those wrongs against the person who hurt you.
Forgiveness does not
mean that you are weak or that you excuse the betrayal. What
is wrong is wrong. God will decide the punishment. It is not
our place to "get even" or "make someone pay"
for what they did.
This last one is a biggie!
You do not have to reconcile that relationship. Some betrayals
- incest, violence, theft, murder - so completely break a
relationship that even after confessions, apologies, and repentance,
it may never be whole. Boundaries may need to be established
to protect you from that person's inherent weaknesses. But,
you still need to forgive. The hurt and pain that eats at
you from the betrayal DOES NOT eat at the betrayer. So forgive,
even though you may never be in a trusting relationship with
that person again.
What
Forgiveness Is
Forgiveness does require
you to confront the betrayal. This was covered in section
two finding the truth. Next, confessions are necessary - from
both the betrayer and the betrayed. Finally, there is repentance
(an apology). The betrayer is truly sorry and wants to make
it better (even if there really is nothing they can do).
Now we can forgive. Cancel
the debt. You don't owe me anything! FUGEDABOUTIT! Forgiveness
has a feeling. Surprised? Let's describe it and see if you
can recognize it.
Forgiveness is not uncomfortable
silences. It is not tip-toeing around certain topics or people.
Your stomach doesn't tighten when you are reminded of the
wrong done to you. Your thoughts don't linger on the "why
me" of the incident or the injustice of it all. Forgiveness
is allowing someone the trust to hurt you all over again.
God
Loves To Forgive
The Bible is full of
God's forgiveness and restoration of relationships. As His
children we cannot DO anything that will keep God from fully
restoring His trust in us - over and over and over again.
Of course we have to be confronted, confess, and repent.
Remember all the people
of the Bible I mentioned earlier? Adam, Moses, David, and
Paul are just a few of the people that God forgave. He never
forgot what they did, but He never held it against them. He
continued to use them and bless them. He did the same for
us!
God loved us so much
that he gave His Son to repay our debt. When we consider how
much God forgives us, it will be easy to begin to forgive
others. How? Practice!
In section two, you were
told that you get good at what you practice. So practice forgiving.
Start small - a scrap on your new car, a banking error on
your account, a child who misses curfew, a spouse who forgets
a birthday, a rude salesclerk.
Once you begin to practice
this "small stuff" of forgiveness, you will have
a reservoir from which to draw when you are fired unjustly
from your job, your spouse has an affair or a child dies.
Now that you have forgiven,
trust is rebuilt.
IMPORTANT NOTE: This
is not some overnight magic. It will take two months, a year,
two years - whatever! It takes time and patience and starting
over and making mistakes and holding your tongue and being
long suffering and prayer. You can do it. I have been in your
moccasins, walked the long hard mile and you can make it,
too!
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