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One of the scariest
moments in the life of any parent is when you really
internalize the fact that you cannot protect your kids
from everything. You get them immunizations, take them
to church, set them on the path to getting a good education,
teach them to look before crossing the street, hold
their hands and teach them to be safe. When it comes
right down to it, you cannot eternally shield them from
getting sick, broken arms, bee stings, broken hearts,
getting burned while learning to cook, rejection or
failing at something they really want to do.
You can prepare your
child. And, in preparation, you can arm them with the
decision-making skills necessary to avoid many of life's
little bumps; and hopefully, some of life's really big
challenges.
Being sexually
abused, assaulted or kidnapped is a big fear for all parents. It seems that every other day we hear of children being kidnapped,
snatched from bus stops, assaulted in seemingly public places
and, Lord help us, when authorities find a body. This is the
world that we live in; and our children need to be prepared
to navigate this world. Don't for one second think that it
cannot happen to your child. That if you keep you eyes on
them every second, take them to church and teach them right
from wrong, they will not face the ugliness of this world.
The moment you think that, you are one step away from losing
the battle.
How can you spot a child
molester in an attempt to keep your child safe? You can't!
Stop trying. You will never suspect the guilty. They are good
at lying and blending in so forget them and focus on your
child.
How then can you prepare your child to make good decisions?
In All Things Be Truthful.
This is a hard topic for parents, but oh so necessary.
Make a commitment today to tell your child the truth. They
don't have to watch "The Godfather" to know there
is violence in the world, but they do need to know. When kids
ask you a question, always be honest (and age-appropriate)
when you answer. Always being honest doesn't mean you give
away the keys to the bank. However, if you start honestly
with your child, they will actually begin to BELIEVE what
you say.
Start Young. From
the beginning, we teach kids to say "No" to sex.
Sex is bad. Only "fast" girls or "mannish"
boys think this way or act that way. Rethink YOUR position
on sex. Sex is good. Sex was created by God. Just like anything
else - there are some rules to follow. And, just like all
things, anything can be turned ugly and sinful. Unfortunately,
many parents start with the negative. Make sex a good and
safe topic in your home. Sex is not bad, but promiscuity is.
Sex is not bad, but rape is. Sex is not bad, but getting a
disease is. Sex is not bad, but incest is.
Your Body Is Yours.
We have all seen - or been the victims of - someone telling
a child to go give Auntie or Grandma a hug or a kiss. And,
we've seen the child saying no, crying, pulling away or cringing.
Do not make your child give affection when they don't want
to give it. Grown folks will understand and if they don't,
too bad! That child is in danger of thinking that their body
is not their own to control and someone else has the right
to control their body. Teach your child that they are in control
of their bodies and that they have the RIGHT to say no to
ANY physical touch that makes them uncomfortable. How can
you expect a child to say no to a grown up stranger who may
not be so nice, but they cannot say no to Auntie?
Even with the doctor,
children need to understand that their body is theirs. The
parent should be in the exam room with any young child for
any procedure to explain (this is part of preparation) what
kind of touch is necessary - even if it is uncomfortable.
Remember, doctors have been known to molest children, too.
Children can only know the difference of good and bad touch
through education -- from you, the parent.
You Are Loved. Self-esteem and self-assuredness are so crucial to a child
making good decisions. Saying the words I love you is important.
Showing love is immeasurable! Hugs, kisses, a pat on the back,
a whispered "I knew you could do it!", and when
a child screams, "I hate you!" You scream back,
"But I love you!" Kids really do not know the difference
between behavior and personal characteristics. You DO have
to correct your child or maybe even fuss sometimes. I am guilty.
However, try: "I really love you, but it makes me sick
that there are oranges all over the floor." "I love
you, but I don't like when you talk to me crazy." "I
love you, but if you don't get this kitchen cleaned there's
gonna be trouble." What you impart is that I love you,
but I do not like your behavior. I'm working on this one myself,
so hang in there.
I Can Give You Anything
In This World - But I Won't. One of the many ploys of
child molesters is to entice a child with the material things
that they really want - but mama and daddy won't let them
have. They promise and many times deliver ice cream, candy,
accessibility to video games and puppies, staying out of school
or the latest gadget. There will always be a price to pay.
When my child asks for something unreasonable (like a $400
Wii System and they don't play with the $200 PlayStation)
my answer is: I will not. It's not: I can't. As parents, YOU
know that you could give your child ANYTHING they asked for:
$200 tennis shoes, another pair of designer jeans, the most
popular toy, candy before dinner - need I go on? Of course,
you also know that the light bill or rent won't get paid in
order to do all that - especially if, like me, you have more
than one child.
It is perfectly okay
to tell a child, No. However, make sure to say the words,
"I could buy you xyz, but I am not because: that is not
in our budget, you already have xyz, and we live in a world
where you cannot have everything." Your child needs to
be educated that the things in "the world" are not
free. Free Lunch at school is paid for by the taxpayers. Buy
one get one free means the price of the purchased item or
your continued business pays for the "free" one.
Hip Your Child To
The Game. Your child needs to know how molesters think,
act and what they might say. Tell your child all the tricks
that molesters use so they won't be caught off guard. Run
through these scenarios:
Situation: A grown
up stops and asks you for directions.
Answer: Grown folks do not need to ask kids for directions.
Say: Why are you asking me? Then run and tell.
Situation: A grown up asks you for help: find my puppy,
look for my lost child, can you hold something.
Answer: Grown folks do not need to ask kids for help
- ever.
Say: Why don't you call the police? Then run and tell.
Situation: A grown
up says if you don't come with me, do this, drink this, get
in the car - or whatever, I will kill you or kill your mom,
sister, whoever.
Answer: DO NOT EVER LEAVE WITH ANYBODY! No matter what
they look like or what they are wearing. You child should
never leave where they are without the person who brought
them.
Say: You can't kill me or my family. Then run and tell.
Note: If a person will shoot your child in the streets or
public or broad daylight, what can you image they will do
to them when they get them alone?
Situation: You
are at a relative's house and someone (even someone you know)
tries to touch you, get you alone, makes you feel uncomfortable.
Answer: Listen to your gut. If you feel uncomfortable,
unsafe, or threatened (even if it's someone that mama or daddy
knows and likes, get away. Mama and daddy will not be mad
at you.)
Say: Yell out: "I don't want to be in here with
you." Then run and tell.
Situation: A grown
up grabs you and starts to pull you away.
Answer: Fight, kick, scream, bite, curse and say: Help
me! This is not my daddy!
Say: Say every curse word in the book (yeah, they know
them). Grown ups will sit up and pay attention to a child
cursing whereas they might ignore what they perceive as a
tantrum. Then run and tell.
Make sure your child
knows to tell - immediately. Getting away is just the beginning.
Telling allows the parent to follow through with the police.
Also, many public establishments have exterior video camera
and your child may have been caught on tape. This will make
it easier for authorities to follow up.
Your
child needs to know, without a doubt, that you will listen
to them seriously and follow through.
Make It Real and Practice. Your child may think that they are super bad. They can get
away. They can fight back. This is a good mentality. However,
much of what your child sees on television is made up. They
see characters getting the best of the bad guys. You, however,
know how staged these "fights" are. You have to
show them the reality of fighting back.
In our home, we had my
husband, Big John, 6'2" and 235 lbs. grab and hold my
now 10- year old daughter. We had to "show" her
just how strong a grown man is. We made it real. You have
to really, really fight (hit in the nose, eyes, kick the shins,
stomp the feet, bite) in order to get loose and get away.
We repeated this exercise with my 16 year-old son (unfortunately,
kids molest younger kids sometimes) restraining her. My son
is 5'9" and 165 lbs. but he is still much stronger than
a seven or even 10-year old. Even when my husband restrained
my 16 year-old son, he couldn't believe how much stronger
his dad was. And, he was not trying to really hurt them like
a molester would.
Prepare Them for the
World and Pray. Your child will have to navigate the world
without you there to protect them at some point in time. Get
them ready. If they walk to school, walk with them at least
once to point out ways to be safe. If they have to wait for
you after practice, come early and stay late so you can point
out what they should do if you are ever running late. It happens.
Teach them to use a cell phone, be safe on the bus or subway
and how to get help in the public if they have to. I personally,
teach all my kids to find a woman with children if they are
lost or need help. This is the safest bet. The chances of
a mom being a molester or helping a molester are slim. And,
typically, a woman with children will not leave another child
alone to fend for themselves. Not impossible - but slim. Teach
them to stay in the light, literally. Evil does its best business
in the dark - spiritually and physically. Finally, pray for
them and their safety; but most importantly, teach them to
pray for themselves.
Additional Resources:
- www.familywatchdog.us:
Information on locating registered sex offenders in your
vicinity.
- www.unitedwaysb.org/kidsafe.pdf:
Information on how kids can be street savvy - good info
for kids living in the city or densely populated areas.
- www.unitedwaysb.org/kidsafehome.pdf:
Information on how latchkey kids can be safe at home alone.
- http://www.childluresprevention.com:
Excellent site with actual television footage (Windows or
Quicktime) on ways molesters try and abduct teenagers and
college students.
- http://www.pollyklaas.org/safe/pdf/Abduction-Prevention-Guidelines.pdf:
General information on how to protect your child from abduction.
- https://childsafenetwork.org:
Information on keeping your child safe, safety tips, and
general information.
- Girl's Fight Back
(The College Girl's Guide to Protecting Herself) by
Erin Weed
This book is designed to be the A-Z guide for every girl
attending college. Erin wrote the book to be an easy read,
but without giving simplistic or fear-based advice you've
heard a million times before. It's written with her signature
tone, mixing serious topics with humor and fun. 186 pages.
Published by Boulder Press and distributed by MidPoint Books.
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