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Every year seasons
change. From winter to spring, summer and then fall.
Each year the process repeats. Of course, each year
each season presents its own unique differences and
challenges. One winter can be extremely mild. Anyone
ever worn shorts at Christmas? The very next winter
can be bitter and long producing severe ice storms and
longings for an early spring. Rest assured--every year
there will be a winter.
As you live and
love and grow in your relationship (let's talk specifically
about spouses in this one), you will move through different
stages. One stage can last for months or even years.
Expect to re-visit these stages as your life changes,
as well.
Stage
One - New Love
New Love is easy. Conflicts
may arise, but forgiveness is easily given. You are careful
to watch what you say and not to offend. You are learning
each other: emotionally, sexually,and intellectually. Usually,
it's all good. Both partners are on the same page.
Stage
Two - Power Struggle
You have a few years
under your belt. As a couple, you are trying to decide who
is really in charge. Mind sets change from being careful to
speaking your mind. "Hey, let me be me." "I
have been doing this and handling that before I even met you."
From parenting to paying the bills, from which church or religion,
from new or used car there is a power struggle. Who is driving
this marriage?
The reality of love and
your partner sets in. No one is perfect and it is painfully
obvious. Maybe your spouse is not who you thought they were
(and you are not the perfect person either). You may have
unrealized expectations, too. Be careful in this stage of
thinking that you just picked the wrong person. If you find
a new person, you will eventually move from New Love to Power
Struggles and the same old issues will appear with the new
person.
Stage
Three - Self Realization
In a marriage, the two
shall become one. Become. I heard this message from a well-known
evangelist. Becoming takes time. It doesn't happen overnight.
Each person in the union is still an individual-- with their
own interests, goals, fears, and ambitions. In this stage,
you realize that you cannot "fix" your spouse (you
can work on yourself!) and the awareness that this union will
take work. It will not be easy or pleasant all the time, but
you can survive.
Stage
Four - Renewed Intimacy
Surviving each of these
stages will be easier once you realize that you will survive.
When you are going through the trials of restoring intimacy,
trusting, rejoicing, respecting, honoring, grieving, sharing,
and co-habitating it can seem endless. Take a breath. Be humble.
Learn to give and take criticism. Renewed Intimacy will feel
like New Love only better. Both you and your partner are more
emotionally and spiritually mature after completing the first
three stages.
As you move through the
four stages of taking your relationship to the next level,
do a review of "You."
You carry yourself and
your "baggage" with you--everywhere. Every conversation
with your spouse, every decision, every response (positive
and negative) is influenced by the "bag" hanging
on your back. Realize that you bear the responsibility of
carrying your backpack. It is NOT your spouse's responsibility
to carry your "baggage" --they have their own pack!
Clean out your backpack. Some issues to review that may be making your backpack unbearably
heavy include: Past relationships, Past Hurts, Hot Buttons,
Secrets and Personal Character Flaws. Take an honest look
at who you are. Find a good counselor, if necessary and begin
to clean that backpack--as often as it needs cleaning.
To move to the next level
you will have to do some climbing. As you progress from stage
to stage you will come to a landing--somewhere to stop and
catch your breath. Climbing can be trying and tiring, but
the view from the top is worth the struggle!
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