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When
Trust is Broken
Lisa and Emily
had been best friends for years. When Lisa told Emily
of the fabulous blockbuster movie she had just seen
with her husband, Emily was eager to see the film with
her husband, too. What a letdown! The movie was nothing
like the movies Emily normally liked. How could this
have happened? Emily felt totally bewildered. She had
trusted Lisa's opinion and the disappointment was unexpected.
Disappointment comes when you expect one thing (a fabulous,
over-the-top, hit movie) and receive something else
(a dud that you may watch while folding clothes on a
Saturday - if there isn't a good rerun on TV).
That's
the problem with trust. Most people don't have the same understanding
or agreement about what trust is. This is especially true in
a marriage. My assumptions about trust may be totally different
from my spouse's assumptions. These different assumptions however
aren't usually a problem until the trust is broken. Emily had
no problem with Lisa's judgment about movies until she saw a
movie she was expecting to like but didn't. Well, this is pretty
simple because it's just a movie. It's very simple to forgive
Lisa and move on with their friendship. But how do you rebuild
trust when there has been a significant breach? First, let's
make sure we are clear about what trust actually is.
Trust involves uncertainty, risk, faith, and assumptions. Trust
assumes you will act, respond, think and believe exactly as
I would in the same situation. When we trust God we are never
disappointed. We know exactly - through the Word - how God will
react and respond. News flash: people are fallible and will
disappoint you. So in trusting people there has to be an expectation
of failure. The only one who will never disappoint is God -
we will talk about that later!
For now, let's make this
a little more personal . . . in a marriage trust is expecting
your spouse to be faithful, honest, open, sharing, intimate
and committed. Well, isn't that what marriage vows are all
about? Making promises and placing trust in another? Of course!
So let's just get to the crux of the matter. You only have
to rebuild trust after that trust has been broken. Trust and
betrayal go hand in hand. If you are reading this to learn
about rebuilding trust, I must assume that like Emily you
have been betrayed.
To rebuild trust we will
have to talk about betrayal, truth, forgiveness and patience.
First, betrayal . . .
BETRAYAL
-Feelings! Feelings! Feelings!
The first response to
betrayal is always shock. How could you do this to me? I can't
believe it! This is not true! When you have placed your trust
so completely in another person, you never expect to be betrayed.
So naturally you are surprised when it happens. Emily was
not expecting to see a bad movie. It was only natural for
her to then question Lisa: "How could you recommend that
to me?" "I trusted you." Again, it was just
a movie; so the betrayal - although real to Emily - is not
very significant. In a marriage the stakes are much higher.
Betrayal means that you were deceived and lied to. Deliberately! You will feel shocked and then angry. How dare you! Next,
you experience denial and sadness. I just can't believe you
would do that. Wow! You really hurt my feelings. Finally,
there is doubt, distrust and a loss of self-esteem. Did you
ever love me? All of those late nights, long phone calls -
were you dishonest then, too? It must be my fault. What have
I done to deserve this?
Processing all of these
emotions can be exhausting. You will cry. You will want revenge
(remember that is God's!) You will want answers. You will
be confused and downright mad. Betrayal will upset your normal
flow. It is not uncommon to be really depressed. Don't despair!
There is hope. Surely you are familiar with the phrase, "This
too shall pass." And, it will.
If the stakes are high
for a marriage, think about Jesus. He suffered the ultimate
betrayal and it cost him his life! Judas Iscariot was one
of Jesus' friends - His disciple. He spent countless hours
tutoring, mentoring, correcting, eating, traveling, living
and loving his disciples. And for money (Mat. 26:15), Judas
betrayed Jesus.
He, if no one else, understands
the hurt you feel. And it is He who will show you a way to
truth, forgiveness and patience. He will help you to move
past the betrayal. Of course, you won't have to die to do
it!
Moving beyond betrayal
in marriage is hard. You have invested so much - time, money,
kids, emotions, grief, celebration, prayer, fears, victories,
jobs, families - the list can go on and on. It is NOT easy
to just get up and walk away. And, you shouldn't.
Let's just stop here
and let me give you (if you have been betrayed by your spouse)
some personal advice born of experience. DO NOT listen to
the "Divorce Doctors." Well, that's my personal
term for those people or websites that advocate divorce as
a first response to affairs.
In my search for answers,
there are so many who jump on the if-you-cheat-on-me-I-am-out-of-the-door-the-first-time-no-exceptions
bandwagon. The context of their advice is not to help you
rebuild your marriage but how to rebuild a life AFTER the
marriage is over.
Naturally, there are situations where divorce
is the only or best option. However, if your marriage is something
of value to you, then it is worth fighting to keep. If you
need a valuable resource to help you keep your head on straight
while you decide how to work this out, check out: www.SurviveAnAffair.com
and www.marriagebuilders.com.
If something has value,
it is worth working for - even if you feel like you are the
only one working. Don't give up! After your initial emotions
- which may take weeks to sort through - remember that the
offending spouse has feelings, too.
WHAT! Who cares about
that so-and-so's feelings? After the way they hurt me? Hard
to believe but the offending spouse is probably feeling very
guilty, sad, depressed, confused, having mixed emotions, and
truly scared. Have they really messed up this badly? Will
I lose my wife and kids, my social respect? What am I going
to do now?
To really get through
and over betrayal, there must be truth.
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